April 3, 2005

The Northern BC Rules -- Brian Fawcett et al

(As of March 20, 2005)

Fawcett invites any and all contributions to the list of
"Northern BC Rules" . . .

For more Fawcett go to Dooney's Cafe.

Life rules:

1.) Only things designed in the north work in the north. Everything is designed in the south.
2.) Don’t even try to say anything good about Northern B.C. during breakup. People complain for a reason, and don’t deserve to be humiliated.
3.) Never get beaten up for the same thing twice. If you do, people will know you’re stupid.
4.) If you can make that big sonofabitch laugh hard enough, he might not beat the crap out of you.
5.) If you say ridiculous things with a straight face, 50 percent of people will believe you.
6.) Speed, agility and calculation are more important than strength—except when you’re changing a truck tire without a jack.
7.) The wrong person always gets caught or killed.
8.) Once you discover where the smoke is coming from, it’s more important to discover where it is going than to douse the fire. Sometimes it really is a forest fire, and knowing where it’s going will tell you where to run. Other times, the smoke may be blown at you by someone is trying to put one over on you, or on themselves.
9.) Always be polite to the police. They have guns, and it isn’t their job to care about why you’re so drunk or angry.
10.) The furnace only dies when the temperature is below -30. The first repairman never fixes it properly, and the second repairman doesn’t come for ten days because he’s fixing all the other furnaces the first repairman screwed up.

Bush Rules:

1.) Never pretend you know what to do if you don’t. In the bush, pretending will get you one of two things: lost or hurt. In the larger world, this is true, too, but the penalties take longer to arrive.
2.) Learning to fall down in the bush without hurting yourself is slightly more important than finding ways to get where you planned to go. Both are more important than standing tall, which is most helpful in getting your head taken off by a flying choker cable or a dead branch up your posterior when you slip on a log.
3.) Don’t assume that those hunters know you’re not a moose.
4.) Never go brushshooting when you’re drunk. (No one brushshoots unless they’re drunk).
5.) Never hike for the fun of it. If god meant us to walk long distances, she wouldn’t have invented motor vehicles.
6.) Never rest anything heavier than a pack of smokes on a tree branch. (This applies specially to axes and loaded guns.)
7.) Never try to talk to wild animals. They can’t talk. Neither can trees.
8.) Never be the first person into the water. Water is cold, and it can harbour bloodsuckers.
9.) Never wear blue-jeans or other fashion items in the bush. Standing out in the bush is the same as making yourself an attractive target, except that you attract blackflies and moisture, not hunters with poor eyesight. After one hour in the bush while it is raining, an average pair of denim pants weighs roughly the same as a grand piano, which you don’t want to be dragging around the bush, either.
10.) There’s no such thing as scenery in the bush unless you’re inside a 4x4 pickup truck. Keep your eye on the trail.
11.) Whistle while you walk—or sing “Stairway to Heaven”, if you have to. Bears don’t Really like to shit in the woods, which are filled with sharp brambles and devil’s club spines. Sensible bears prefer to use the edge of a logging road or a hiking trail or a carpet of moss in a moose meadow, and they expect privacy. Pretending that you’re the Last of the Mohicans is a good way to end up necking with an angry bear.
12.) Never take mugshots of standing moose during the winter with your new digital camera. Those moose are standing by the side of that road because their shins are barked bloody, and they’re hungry and irritable. They don’t want to be 1500 pound Supermodels.
13.) Never eat bananas while you’re working in the bush. Aside from attracting blackflies and mosquitos, it’ll tell everyone you’ve just arrived.
14.) Always remember that everyone who works with choker cables is either incompetent or deranged.
15.) Don’t chat with fallers while they’re working. They have short lives because there’s no reliably safe way to cut down a tree taller than an adult human being.
16.) Don’t decide that you’re out of the woods when you get to a road or clearing. You’re not out of the woods until you’re inside your pickup, and it starts. Until then, you’re just another moose to those drunk American hunters.

Bar Rules:

a. Looking people in the eye means you’re willing to fight. Holding eye contact means you want to fight right now.
b. Bumping people in bars after 11 P.M. reduces you to two options. Hit the person you bumped as hard as you can, or hit the floor face down.
c. Never look at anyone’s private parts while you’re standing at a urinal because it’s likely to start a brawl. This is because the male penis, viewed directly from above, appears smaller than it actually is—the other guy’s is always bigger.
d. Wearing T-shirts from other B.C. towns is equivalent to wearing a T-shirt that reads “Beat Me Up.” Best not to wear hockey jerseys unless they are size XL and you don’t need shoulder pads to fill it out.
e. Always be prepared to walk home. You don’t have to get into the truck with those crazy bastards.
f. She’s married to a faller, and he’s 6’4”.

Snipe Hunting Rules:

1.) Standard equipment for a snipe-hunting expedition: 1 blanket; one axe (to chop firewood, not to be used for clubbing snipes); waterproof matches; one fishnet; at least one bottle of Canadian Club or 18 bottles of beer per

2.) Chainsaws and leaky cans of gasoline are not advisable due to injury risk. Flashlights are permitted, but not batteries.

3.) Don’t take poor people snipe hunting. They may be hungry. The optimal novice snipe hunter works for a multinational corporation and makes in excess of $100,000.00 annually.

4.) Never take a gun on a snipe-hunting expedition.

5.) Optimal snipe hunting grounds should offer: a.) clear sightlines for no more than fifteen feet around the fire. B.) natural hazards known to the experienced hunters but not the novice; C.) at least one stand of mature timber within 20 metres.

6.) Optimal weather conditions for snipe hunting: a.) wind speed
of at least 20 KPH: to attract snipes, the blanket needs to move, and
the trees need to make noises. b.) light dusting of snow to aid in finding lost snipe-hunters.

7.) It is sadistic to snipe hunt during black fly season unless you
share the mosquito dope.

8.) Do not snipe hunt during hunting season. You never know who’s out
there, what they’ve been drinking and what they’ll mistake you for.


Rob Budde said...

Bar Rule g) or Life Rule 11.)

A friend you can trust (however flawed) covering your back is worth infinitely more than a tire iron, a crowd of sane strangers, an out-of-town ally, or the "authorities."

Blue Cloak said...

Moose Rules:

Moose rule. Never challenge the hierarchy.